Heal your past, for a better future…

Has your partner called you clingy, insecure, desperate, or jealous?

No one wants to admit that they possess these qualities; but if you find yourself constantly on the alert, anxious, or worried when it comes to relationships, you may suffer from anxious attachment, a fear of abandonment that is often rooted in early childhood experiences.

Attachment theory is an age-old theory that suggests people are born with a need to forge bonds with caregivers as children. These bonds continue to have an influence on the attachments we have throughout life.

How do attachment styles develop in early childhood?

The attachment styles of the children were found to depend on the parenting style of the mother. The behaviour of parents/caregivers shapes how a child perceives close relationships. Early in life, a child seeks love, comfort and support from his family. If the child’s physical and emotional needs are met, he/she feels secure, but if the child’s needs are not met or neglected, it leads to insecurity.

This makes the child insecure and anxious. Later in adolescence this becomes your behaviour. This is called the Anxious Attachment style.

How do they affect our relationships?

Have you noticed a repeated pattern in your relationships?

1. Insecurity: Feeling insecure in relationships, always worried that you are not enough for your partner and you need constant reassurance from them.

2. Fear of abandonment: This can make you overly dependent on your partner, which can negatively impact on your relationship and your mental well-being.

3. Having trust issues: You have trust issues, even if they say they won’t leave you or they love you and care about you.

4. Emotionally weak: You can feel clingy and demanding in relationships and this is due to fear and insecurities. As a child, you craved this love and attention, and now you become emotionally dependent on it.

5. Can’t handle criticism: You take criticism negatively as rejection. It affects your self-esteem and makes you sensitive.

6. Crave for intimacy: To cover up the void in you during early years, you crave for intimacy to avoid the loneliness and satisfy your emotional and physical need.

If your partner doesn’t react the way you think they should, you become upset and often your anger leads to aggression. But this attachment style is not the end of the world. There is hope to rectify this situation.

They can be healed and moved through. All it takes is some re-tuning of the subconscious mind. By reprogramming our subconscious mind, we are effectively freeing ourselves of the programming installed during our early childhood years.

5 Simple Steps to start feeling more secure

1. Know yourself

The first step to healing anxious attachments is developing your sense of self. If you want to depend less on others, you first need to fix the relationship with YOU. Get to know yourself. Find out what you stand for and what you enjoy doing.  

2. Meet your emotional needs:

Another anxious attachment pattern is an over-reliance on others to get emotional needs met. If you identify as anxious, you probably turn to a partner to satisfy the majority of your emotional needs. Once you become more able to meet your own emotional needs, anxiety will decrease.

 3. Ask what you need:

Due to the fear of rejection, you avoid voicing your needs to your partner. They suppress and trigger later. Practice asking for the things you want and speaking against what you don’t want. Not voicing your needs will create low self-esteem and make you feel you are not worthy of it.

 4. Stop pleasing people:

People pleasing is a toxic human habit. You look for approval from others and it becomes difficult for you to say No. Stop taking responsibility for other people’s thoughts, feelings and emotions.

 5. Seek help:

There are different types of therapy that can be useful in treating this anxiety disorder and behavioural patterns. A mental health professional can help a person explore past and present relationships.

Other techniques that might be helpful include:

• Talk to your partner about your anxiety
• Attending couple’s counselling together
• Find ways to manage anxiety and stress with meditation, deep breathing, and other relaxation techniques.

Living with an anxious attachment style can pose challenges in your relationships, like difficulty being alone, people-pleasing behaviour, or preoccupation with how others think and feel about you.

Seek help if required. It is important for your partner to understand what you are dealing with. Remember, you are not alone and there is still hope.